Addendum - Chapter 2

So, my dilemma, really, is that I'm missing writing in this space. There is this pull to the page, an urge to lay out dark pixels in neat little rows of alliteration, hyperbole, and bravado. Yes, I do believe that's what it is.

I have spent so much time writing in this space, in this way. Along the way I've reached some people in ways I never imagined, all wonderful. I do not differentiate between what some call the "real world" and this place, this digital page.

Just the same, I proclaimed this space dead. I did not delete it. I only stowed it away. I miss it, though, and keep rereading it, realizing I've tracked my ups and downs, wins and losses, over a fourteen month span. I see so much in my own words. It was my own words that kicked me out into this journey.

So, my dear people, oh so few who see these words, I post again.

Currently, you are a very small group, nay, smaller than you can imagine. You're my Ninth Circle in this space. What you know, you hold. What I know, I keep sacred.

It's late on Thursday night. Christmas is nine days away. It's been very hard. I knew that the holidays were difficult, but I hadn't any idea how hard it could be, how unsure you are of the world around you. I see these representations of holiday joy and just don't feel the same any more. I miss the wonder of my kids. It kinda sucks.

Conversely, however, I'm feeling a little more free. I'm communicating with the world the way I used to. In some cases, better than I ever have.

I am tired though. My days are very long. What's interesting is that I'm getting through my work days much faster now. I feel like there's some purpose in my days. Home is not much quieter. My friend Rob came over tonight. We grilled some wickedly good chicken, drank the remainder of a bottle of wine, and he regaled me with tales of his girl-chasing at a local restaurant he worked at. It was really nice. He took off and I've been slowly typing, cross-eyed from fatigue. Still, there's some dedication left in me, some will to stay up.

'Scuze me a sec while I get a drink.

***

Okay, back in my jammies. Hey, this apartment is nice. I like it now. It's a little quiet on my side, but I'm okay with that. I need some curtains or something to absorb the noise and echo. I hate when it sounds like a big empty room.

Tomorrow is Friday, which means I'm going to nap in the afternoon. Then on to a Hannukah (Chanukah?) thingie over at Andy and Katie's house. Dana, please help me. I forgot what this dinner is called. Seder supper? Is that right? I forget. So anyway, that is what I'm doing later tonight.

It was a draining day for me. I had therapy this afternoon, and I got to rehash the entire week for her, consisting of my breakdowns of the past seven days. Lots of talk about my "mourning process". Yi yi. She is the best therapist I've ever had. I can talk to her when all the other ones (yes, there have been others) were just there, not adding anything, not taking anything away. Michelle interacts with me, doesn't make any judgment calls, just supports me and urges me along.

Today session ended with something interesting. I get to make a list for next time. Specifically, I need to make a list of goodbyes. Three, in fact. The first list will be of all the positive things in my relationship/marriage with Tracey, the second is all the negative things, the third is all the hopes, dreams and wishes in the marriage. I get to say goodbye to each and every one. Odd, that exercise is. I won't pretend to understand anything until...well, until I understand it. Yeah, whatever, Chris. Go have another drink, ya lush.

Hey, that reminds me of a story. Once, my uncle Mike, still one of my favorite uncles, he was having a little celebration at his house. Mike was a master life insurance salesman. Made HUGE chunks of change in his day. Now he owns a thousand acre ranch in Texas that he raises domestic exotic breeds on and lets guys shoot 'em. Irony, yes. Anywho, Mike has this event, and he's having a good time, drinking a few. Well, he starts talking with the wife of one of his other agents, and she's a real quiet one, super shy, pretty introverted, right? She's having a drink, certainly some oddly named blender abomination from a drive-through stand, and tells Mike that she's getting a little loaded. Mike goes to kid her, suggesting what a lush she is, but instead Mike says, "Yeah, you're such a slut." People get kind of quiet, he realizes what the hell he said and goes "Hey, did I say slut? I meant lush!"

I still laugh my ass off at that. Just thought of it when I said lush back there.

Ah, feels good to write an entry.